


you'd hold me closer, instead of your pride

by atitforatat



Series: the romance series [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Getting Over, M/M, Minor Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, POV Kageyama Tobio, Post-Break Up, Unrequited Oikawa Tooru/ Kageyama Tobio, bitter humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23277430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atitforatat/pseuds/atitforatat
Summary: Kageyama wasn't stupid. Everything would be easier if he was, though.
Series: the romance series [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673896
Kudos: 15





	1. love was broken for me

**Author's Note:**

> Third fic coming!!  
> In this one I discarded Kageyama's grandpa death because it was going to be too much angsty, so in here we accept he acted like a little shit because he was dumped, okay?
> 
> It was based off of [Should've Said It](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heGyMSpkGE8), but I didn't used the funny side, just the bitter one. Sad.
> 
> Unbeta'd and English is not my first language, so pls warn me about any mistakes you may find.  
> Hope you enjoy it, I'm posting second chapter tomorrow (I think). ^^

Oikawa has been admired by him since his first year in middle school.

Two years of blind worship turned into something 14 to 15 years old Tobio believed to be love. When he went back to his last term in third year and Oikawa had already left to high school, he decided it was time to open it up. Spring tournament was just around the corner, he never played so well, and his teammates were doing fine too. It all made him so confident he was sure it was the right time.

It was just the start of a huge fall into an even bigger abyss.

His upperclassman laughed at his face when he confessed his feelings and Iwaizumi looked at him with pity, slapping Oikawa’s head and making him act like a “proper human being”.

Oikawa stopped laughing then and tried to attack him. He came forward with his hands ready to throttle him. Iwaizumi got him just in time to prevent it. Something alike happened when he asked to learn the amazing serve one year before, but that time his stomach didn’t convulse and tried to throw out everything he had eaten the whole day; his chest didn’t get tight and he didn’t stop breathing. When Oikawa Tooru got angry because Kageyama Tobio asked him to act as some sort of a guide, none of his body parts reacted to it. He simply run, afraid and marveled with that strange and transparent creature.

When his feelings were rejected with such aversion and distaste, he didn’t run. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. His body stopped working altogether, even his brain shot itself down. The only things working were his eyes, holding the tears behind his closed eyelids. He fell out of love with volleyball and Oikawa that day.

He fell out of love with himself, probably. Oikawa trying to physically hurt him was nothing meaningful since he did it with everyone. But the look on his face, the complete and utter disgusted way his eyes behaved. It made Tobio feel like he was worth less then any piece of garbage. His confidence got shaken.

He wanted to prove he was better than whatever the hell his upperclassman saw in him and he was going to do it anyway. Fuck any consequences, he was going to prove himself worthy. Of what, Tobio didn’t know.

Not yet, at least.

When the spring tournament came, it was a sad thing. Tobio and the teams’ spikers were never the closest, but they had good teamwork and that was enough.

So, they stopped having any form of teamwork at all, but young Tobio didn’t know it was his fault just yet. He thought they weren’t so invested. Compromised. They didn’t think it was serious or important. They were having fun, but what fun came from not winning? Tobio was going to win. To prove himself. To be worthy, even if he did it by himself. Even if it costed more than he understood. He was going to do it.

The first matches were easy, he knew that. He wasn’t stupid like everybody was starting to think. But when he saw the orange haired shrimp going all out even though he didn’t bare the slightest chance, he got fired up. He wanted to crush him. Dreamy brown eyes so shiny, like Tobio was when he loved Oikawa. Like Tobio was when he loved volleyball. He didn’t love volley anymore, but he still loved winning. He still loved the warmth in his hands when setting just right and the spike turned into a point.

He won, of course. The boy didn’t have anything besides a great jump and endless energy. The other matches passed without being truly seem. He played, he set, he screamed. When the final game happened, Tobio didn’t see it. He did the same things and they weren’t winning; it was scaring the shit out of him. He kept pressuring himself and the others, he needed to win. He wouldn’t worth nothing if he didn’t.

15 years old Kageyama wasn’t aware of his continuously fall. He fell more and more and more, until there was no one else falling with him. And, when he looked around for the first time in months, he didn’t see anyone hitting his balls.

There was only silence in the whole gymnasium, and it was pressing his chest, making it impossible to breathe. He didn’t catch any breathing sound. Even his. “Kageyama, go to the bench.”

The fall wasn’t complete yet. His team lost, thus he did too, but way more than just a trophy.

When time came and he needed to choose where to go for high school, the three top schools in the Miyagi prefecture didn’t accept him. Shiratorizawa called him weak, he failed at Date Tech tests and Aoba Johsai wouldn’t take him because of the last game in middle school. Oikawa smiled when saw his depressed form. He was happy for failures.

He still wasn’t worthy, but then he finally knew for what. Kageyama swore he would beat Oikawa one day, be the best setter and be proud of himself. He would also get over him, because God knows he ruined enough things just from sulking.

Nothing like being dumped to ruin someone’s mood. Or year. Or possible volleyball career.

Oikawa was the unworthy one, but Tobio didn’t feel right saying it. He would get stronger, beat all the other school just to spite them, and then beat the shit out of Aoba Johsai _and_ that shitty person. It was set up.

He just needed to find a school first.

That was a piece of cake in the end; since he wasn’t accepted in the four big ones, he just had to find the one better and closer to his house, which showed itself as an even easier task. Karasuno High School was a forty-minute walk from home and its volleyball club was in the top eight of Miyagi Prefecture.

His first weeks there weren’t the best, he got in trouble with the orange haired boy from Spring Tournament in first day of club activities and ended in a two-on-two match with his upperclassman and other first years, in which one of them was almost worst than Oikawa. Only almost. Tsukishima didn’t have access to his heart, so there wasn’t any issue for him to play with besides the “king” thing.

Oikawa, in the other hand, was shining as ever. He was featured in sports magazine almost every month and kept sending them to Tobio. “Hey, Tobio-kun, did you see the last _Young_ _Play_ issue? My hair was never so good looking, tell me your thoughts about it after you read :D” and so on. Every month a message would come and Kageyama, at first, was expectant for them. He knew Oikawa was just playing with him, trying to make him jealous of his success. And he accomplished that, of course. But Tobio’s traitorous heart also took the attention crumbs Oikawa was dropping with famished desperation. They weren’t even close to satiate his hungriness, they just made it bigger, but Tobio was loving it.

Also hating it, and hating Oikawa, for that he was never able to fully move on. He swore in his life he fell out of love with Oikawa and volleyball, but it was a lie.

He fell in love with volleyball again as soon as Hinata paired up with him. Their dynamic was like magic in the air. It worked perfectly. None of his sets were for nothing and Hinata’s jumps and endless energy were put to good use. Oikawa asked him to hang out two months after they played that practice match with Seijoh. He took him to an amusement park.

Kageyama fell harder that day. Tooru wasn’t different in any way, he was still awful and hid his insecurities behind apparent narcissism and offensive demeanor. He still thought Tobio wasn’t enough. He still didn’t appreciate Tobio’s feelings. He was also another whole person.

He grew taller in one year and his flirty way got better. Kageyama didn’t expect a date, but he got the closest of a date Oikawa could give him. He felt so good, it was perfect. Oikawa said all the right things and apologized about all the wrongs. He offered his hand in the roller coaster because he was shitting himself, but their fingers were kept intertwined the rest of the day. 

He smiled every time they looked at each other and even kissed his cheek sometimes. Kageyama couldn’t even consider getting over him that day. It made his eyes stingy with tears just to think about it. They had everything, literally everything.

Except Oikawa knowing his own feelings, of course.

It was so short lived, Hinata didn’t understand even nowadays how bad it hurt Tobio; sometimes Kageyama _himself_ didn’t believe how he survived one year and half with an unrequited love and almost died because of something that lasted four weeks, if not less.

Oikawa and he couldn’t say they were boyfriends _per se_ , but they kissed and dated, so there was something of a relationship in all that mess. Not that it mattered, because it truly didn’t. After only four weeks, but still remembering that he loved him for two years now, Kageyama let a “I love you” slip. He didn’t regret saying it as much he regretted truly _loving_ him, but whatever.

He expected lots of things, but Oikawa chocked expression and clearly choosing what to say besides saying something like that was, maybe, more devastating than before. He knew he didn’t love him for two years and wouldn’t start doing so before only four weeks, but he could say he liked him. That someday he would love him too. That somewhere in their long way in the future, he would feel the urge to say it just like Tobio had for two fucking years.

Of course, none of this happened. Oikawa said he wasn’t ready, that he didn’t feel like getting anything serious, that it was only few days and he couldn’t be in love so fast; Tobio couldn’t love him so fast. And it wasn’t his insecurity speaking, nor his utter desire to always be one step ahead. It was simply that, for him, Tobio wasn’t fix. He wasn’t enough. Oikawa hadn’t changed his views of him in two years, in two months or in four weeks and wouldn’t do that ever.

Kageyama treasured those weeks like they were worth his life, but always ignoring that it didn’t mean the same for his counterpart. It would never. He knew it was Oikawa from the first date, it would never hit Oikawa like this.

And, if it ever did, he hoped he would be over.


	2. now it's broken for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second and last part of this sad thing is here!!  
> I wrote it yesterday but forgot to post, my sleep-deprived head is making me crazy 
> 
> Unbeta'd and English is not my first language, so please warn me about any mistakes and I hope you enjoy it ^^

Oikawa has been forgotten by him since his first year in high school.

The years of blind worship were left behind and now Tobio knew what he was worthy of. Shouyou gave him a lot of help in understanding that. He now was aware of his own flaws and qualities, knew how to deal with them and he was also very sure of what he wanted and deserved. Tobio entered his second year of high school with everything under control and Oikawa seemed like a faded picture in the back of his mind, that only came up when somebody commented about Aoba Johsai or something.

It was just the start of a bright new term and he had Hinata by his side if any dark thunderstorm came by.

His peace lasted three weeks, when the calls started. Oikawa kept calling him, asking to see him and saying he missed him. “Tobio-kun, college is no fun if you love somebody that’s not yours”. Saying he missed _them_.

He kept reminiscing those four weeks, saying it was the best part of his year. “Those few moments kept me from suffering so bad when thinking about losing to Ushijima again, you know”. Oikawa would be all handsome smiles and calculated flirts if they met, Kageyama knew it. He didn’t sound desperate, only mildly distressed, on the verge of crying if he needed to.

Hinata called him out on his bullshit thousands of times. “You say you’re over it, but you can keep yourself from takings his calls, making video-chats with him. Fucking’s sake, choose what you want, Tobio.”

But Kageyama never had to dream of turning Oikawa’s feeling down, he was never in this position, he didn’t know how to cope. He wasn’t in love with him anymore and couldn’t bring himself to even want to be again. He was too busy loving somebody that was _his_ and held that position with pride. Somebody that didn’t diminish his every action. He was in love with himself too, finally recognizing his own value.

Then the gifts started.

Silly things at first, like a stuffed volleyball and a card written “saw it and couldn’t not think about you”. Then an original Adlers shirt, a new pair of sneakers and so on. Things started to escalate; Oikawa started sending his messages three to four times a day. It was almost obsessive behavior.

Kageyama wasn’t half as intrusive when he had his take on unrequited love. He felt better about it.

Hinata was also distancing (or was it himself keeping him away?) and Tobio knew he couldn’t lose him over someone as Oikawa. He chose to do something about it.

He set a up a date and place for them to meet and talk about it. He didn’t know how it would be when they met, but Kageyama felt confident just as he was two years before, but this time nothing would break him.

Kageyama decided they should go to a mall near Miyagi, it was only 10 minutes by train, and he liked the symbolic distance. They wouldn’t meet where everything started because Oikawa didn’t belong there anymore. He lived in Tokyo now. Their paths should be completely apart now, it didn’t make sense for him to try and keep them crossing each other way. Kageyama wanted to break them apart for real. Forever.

When they met, Oikawa smiled openly, didn’t try to hug him or anything, but was simply happy he came. He wore blue jeans and a red and black plaid shirt. Didn’t even look like the model and fashion way he always dressed before. Maybe he has changed for real?

The possibility chocked him but didn’t mess with his previous made choices. This was something Kageyama decided long before Oikawa reached him out.

“Tobio-kun, I didn’t think you would come. I’m happy you’re here.”

And he sounded genuine, expectant, and anxious too. He wanted them to move on together. How sad for him.

Kageyama brought with him all his gifs, cards, and other things. “I’m already with someone else. Please take these back and stop contacting me. We both should move on from each other.”

He saw Oikawa’s eye glint, not with malicious intent but tears wanting to fall. He didn’t sound surprised in his next sentence, more like disappointed for being right about something. “It’s the Chibby-chan, right? I always thought you had something else to make your dynamic work so fine. Are you sure he’s the one? Are you sure you’re not using him as a step?”

Kageyama got angry and offended at that. He was the one who got to be used as a substitute for whatever Oikawa wanted last year. He was the one who wasn’t ever enough to be his first choice, even now Oikawa probably came after him because he was dumped or something.

“Don’t look so offended, I’m only asking. I love you, Tobio. I’m sorry I took so long, but now I do, and, if you want me to, I’m not changing it again.”

“I wished you had felt this way two years ago. Or even last year, just so you could value what I felt when I actually had it in your fingers. You got me wrapped around your finger all that time and you never wanted me, but now you want me?”

It was time for the cat to get out of the bag. Kageyama wasn’t known to be talkative or even know how to express his feelings, but everything he held in for two years just wanted to come out. It was fucking time to make it all clean.

“I am so sorry if I don’t care nor believe you now, but when you humiliated me and later just said you were sorry for not being able to return you didn’t give a fuck. Now someone else is taking care of me. It’s funny how you give me more when I give you nothing. I hope you get over faster than I did and that it costs you fewer things too. Bye, Oikawa. Please don’t call anymore.”

He didn’t look back after returning the paper box he brought along. He needed to run and talk to Shouyou yet. Only one thing mattered right now, and this thing was his and Shouyou’s feelings. None of them deserved being cross because of someone else’s problems.

Oikawa didn’t deserve to suffer either, but he would get over fast. He did it before, right?

And he could do it again if even Tobio got over, anyone could. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading it, I'm sorry that it wasn't very good. This one was mostly to help me conclude the whole series, I wasn't too excited for writing it, but I hope someone enjoyed it. ^^
> 
> See ya!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, feel free to tell me your thoughts about it ^^  
> See ya


End file.
